Stuff has happened

A lot of stuff.

That CPU fan turned out to be the wrong size for the motherboard--I was, obviously, confused by this, as I thought that all CPU fans fit all mobos.

That's really quite trivial in the face of what's been going on recently. I've explained the situation so many times, and glossed over so many details (and, in a few instances, lied outright--I hate having to do that), that at this point even I'm not clear on exactly why all of this is happening. What I do know is that it is what we wanted, and it is doable, which I suppose are the important points.

I've forgotten how to fart surreptitiously.

Lindar's mother offered to let him stay with her. The invitation didn't extend to me, and I didn't want to live with her, anyway. Unfortunately, my alternative was the sidewalk. Lindar made a post on TSU explaining that I was in a situation involving impending homelessness, and the reply is the explanation for my current location--Bakersfield, California.

It's January. It shouldn't be hot in January. It just doesn't seem morally sound.

As No One Reads This Blog, I'm not going to bother to explain who Mum and Obi are, as I'm sure to remember them. I will, however, state my immense gratitude for what they're doing for me, and for their continued patience with the problems I haven't been able to hide. I'm still filtering the vast majority of my behavioural characteristics. I also hide most of what I'm thinking and feeling. I can't help worrying about what they will think if they ever manage to see what I'm like behind the walls I put up to protect myself. I worry so much about this that I still haven't let down all of my walls even for Lindar. I still don't know what to do about that...

I really need some time to be on my own so that I can figure out who I am without other people to influnce me. Most of what I do in front of other people, I do because they expect me to do it. Even when I'm supposedly alone, I have the constant feeling of being watched, so I'm never fully 'myself', whoever that person may be.

I don't want to go on about the alien thing, because I'm sure to lose any readers I may still have. I'm not going to go into it. It's embarassing because it's so important to me, but others dismiss it so easily. I have to express my feelings on the matter somehow, so I'm considering starting a new project related to it. Maybe the same sort of not-quite-graphic-novel thing that Lindar and I plan for the Clarity thing.

What the hell is FoxyTunes?

I wonder if Obi needs or wants help with her things. I may have given her signals indicating that I wanted to be left alone. I wish I could learn to do that when I want to, and not when I don't. I need time to myself; I've grown accustomed to being left alone, and most of the time I'm comfortable that way. Despite this, I do get lonely, and Obi is a very enjoyable person. I have to admit to a bit of a crush, but of course it's nothing dangerous. My relationship with Lindar is very stable, and he allows me the small indulgence of a crush now and then. Not only that, but I'm dead certain that I'm not her type, so even if I doubted my relationship with Lindar, nothing would happen anyway. I don't think she knows about this blog; if she did, I wouldn't mention this. It's embarassing.

It's so quiet right now... I annoy myself by wishing there were more noise. When there is noise, it's too much for me. The music is too loud, or people are speaking too loudly, or there is too much activity... Now that things have finally calmed down and there is some peace, it seems awkward to me.

I think Mum is right. I think I ought to start meditating again. Maybe. I'm really not sure I want to get into that mess all over again. It was troublesome enough the first time around, but with all of the things I've been doing to my mind lately, I think it's going to be difficult in more ways than one.

My new blog is where I'll be doing this from now on. Maybe it will turn out better than this one did.

Why do they call it a catsuit? Cats aren't shiny and they don't have hugely visible zippers running down their torsos. I've never seen a fire-engine-red or neon orange cat. And I know cats don't have flared legs or look good in platform heels. = /

Sweet.

We sold the truck, and we're getting some new presents! The DDR pad we ordered is coming on Monday (at least, that's what the tracking page predicts), and my new fan and heat-sink should be showing up then, too. Maybe when I've got those installed, my computer won't keep restarting; we know it's a heating issue, and we're pretty sure we've narrowed it down to the CPU, because replacing the power supply didn't work.

So. I've got a truly awesome new mouse, really nice new shoes, the Acekard, a DDR pad, new cooling equipment for my poor old computer (old in computer years; he's about four now), a PCI card that adds two extra USB ports (2.o, versus the 1-point-something that I had before), and I'm sure there's something I'm forgetting. Having money to spend makes me feel spoiled. =P Of course, I don't expect to be spending this much regularly; it was sort of a celebratory thing.

When Lindar wakes up, I'll talk to him about getting a freezer. The apartment didn't come with a fridge, so we had to buy one when we moved in; we got one of those dorm-room fridges because they're cheaper, and it's got a tiny little freezer compartment that doesn't get cold enough to freeze things unless you turn the entire fridge way down, and then the milk freezes. =P So, rather than buying an actual standard-sized fridge, I thought we could get one of those little chest freezers and use our dorm-type fridge as just a fridge and not bother with the freezer compartment. I think it's a good idea, and the little freezer thing I found online is a lot cheaper than a fridge would be. =D

All of that good stuff aside, we have run into a little snag. We were planning on running StepMania on my machine and using the S-Video cable to connect my computer to the TV, so we could play on a screen we can actually see while playing. Unfortunately, we've started having problems with my computer being connected to the television; the picture only shows up in black and white. It was in full colour when connected to Lindar's laptop, but the laptop is even older and more pathetic than my computer and won't even run StepMania. I can't get a new video card because of some long involved explanation that, shortened, simply means they don't make the kind my motherboard needs anymore. So, either I can dish out the money for a new motherboard and a new video card, or we can try to find some other solution. I'm hoping we can think of something else, and soon, because I really really want to be able to play. I don't think I could really play DDR in black and white.

I'm hungry! There's actual food in the kitchen! I'm going to go eat some of it!

Hrm.

I just feel like typing. I haven't been doing much of that lately, so I feel like I need some practice. Also, it feels nice.

So, we might finally be getting that DDR pad. Maybe (always maybe). I'm getting some new shoes tomorrow, because my feet have started growing a bit. I'm pretty sure it's related to my HRT, which means that I may also be having a growth spurt soon, though I doubt that. Either way, my shoes don't quite fit anymore, and Lindar and I found a very nice-looking, very comfortable pair yesterday for only twenty-seven dollars and forty-nine cents, which was pretty good, considering how comfortable they were. We haven't bought them yet, because we wanted to go look around at other places and see if we could find anything better (we couldn't), and by the time we decided to get them, it was too late and they were closed, so we're getting them tomorrow. We're also going to pay off the parking tickets on the truck (stupid-asses that we are, we forgot to move it on Wednesday morning and there's no parking on Wednesday from something o' clock to something-else o' clock because of street cleaning--and we did it twice >.<), renew the registration, and then sell it. Someone's offered us a couple thousand for it, so that will be nice. We're also going to sell the keyboard, as neither of us ever uses it and it's worth a couple hundred. If this all happens, we'll get the DDR pad and maybe (just maybe) some nice wireless headphones for me. I want wireless, specifically, for two reasons. The first reason is that all of my headphones have gone out of commission the same way: one channel dies. This is a result, as I'm sure most people could figure out after a few moments of consideration, of the copper wiring in the cord breaking. So, obviously, wireless headphones would eliminate that issue. The second reason I want them is that I sleep during the day and am active at night. If we get the DDR pad, I'd be playing DDR at night, and it would be difficult to play with the music low. I wouldn't be able to use regular headphones, because the cord would be too short--hence wireless headphones being a necessity. Makes sense, I think.

I have to pee!

HRT is working better (and faster!) than I expected. I still need to get my top surgery done, and I need to lose a few inches (ideally, I'd get back to the size 32 x 30 jeans I was wearing before I gained weight, versus the 38 x 30 I'm wearing now), but after those things are accomplished, I'll look pretty much how I want to look. I'm sure it will feel good, not to mention the fitness and health from losing inches and the addded mobility from both things. So I'll be feeling pretty good when I can take care of those things.

I'm a little worried about a current problem, but I'm trying not to think too hard about it, because it's out of my hands, and Lindar assures me it will be resolved anyway.

I LOVE chocolate milk! SO MUCH.

Still have to pee, though.

Lindar and I got an Acekard for the DS, and it is AWESOME. We've been playing Brain Age and Brain Age 2 every day. Those games are a lot of fun, and I recommend them to anyone who's at least somewhat above average intelligence.

Demon-kippy is about to be fline!

Meatball is getting along much better now. She's eating enough, not all emaciated anymore, and she plays, too. She's actually quite vicious when she plays; can't seem to differentiate between play-biting and actual biting, unlike Munchy Crunchy. I don't mind so much, though, because I usually don't use my bare hands to play with her; usually a cat toy of some sort. The ones we have are fairly durable, so she can't rip them to shreds as easily as she could one of my hands. I'm just glad she's finally playing instead of lying in the corner all day. =D

I love nyith nickish.

Fucking sucks.

Lindar lost his job. Now I get to wait and see if we're going to become homeless, or if the jobs we're trying to get will magically be gotten, or if some third solution comes along. Yes, I said "we're". I doubt I'll be able to get a job, and I know I won't be able to keep one, but trying isn't going to hurt, and it's better to have one for a little while than to not get it at all.

I don't know what's going to happen. Lindar doesn't seem worried, and I'm trying to stay optimistic so as not to stress him out, but I'm very concerned about this, I think understandably so.

Maybe this is my chance to go do that thing I'm supposed to do. I mean, if we end up homeless, it won't really be a risk anymore, will it? I can just go. I suppose that if I take the first step, then the next ones will become evident, one by one. I really wish I could just know whatever the fuck it is, but I'm probably not going to, and I imagine it's for a good reason. Still, it would be nice to have some idea of what exactly is expected of me.

Also, I have the flu. Fucking sucks. I HATE being sick. The shitty part is that every time I start feeling a little bit better, I start getting up and walking around and doing things again, which makes me worse again. I need to just rest, relax, and recuperate, but I hate lying around doing nothing, especially after the decision I recently made to make myself healthy again. I was going about it wrong before, but I'm sure I can do it now. I mean, now that I've actually got some sort of motivation, because I didn't before.

But for now, I need to rest and get better, and that involves actually resting. I might take another bath. I've bathed enough times today, I'm sure, but I've been told that heat helps to get rid of the flu, and it would also feel nice. Now if I can just get my pathetic ass up.